This isn’t intended to be enlightening, so if you don’t want to read through a chronicle of self-pity, it'd be best for you to not waste your time. It's a cathartic stream-of-consciousness.
You're well on your way to becoming a powerhouse of a writer. Many of your insecurities are shared by many people but not everyone can elucidate so well.
Word of advice: Don't become complacent. Use that feeling to drive self improvement and you'll advance further than you thought possible. That person you felt intimidated by in chemistry? That was likely his coup de grace. He was peacocking, hoping to instil the feeling that he successfully made you feel, because he probably feels just as insecure. He was there for a reason, to teach you something about yourself. Whenever you feel like that, lean into it. Steel yourself, learn from it, be a little bit more ready for next time, and you'll soon be a force to be reckoned with.
And if you're lucky, you won't feel like it, because that will help keep you sharp. Ego will make you blunt.
You might be onto something there with the "coup de grace"; he spent time boasting to his friend about why his beliefs in objective morality; perhaps people are also their *relationship* to their insecurities (I wasn't one to make any comments when he mistook Heidegger for a critical theorist).
Invaluable advice! I've often struggled to follow it, as I fall into intellectually comprehending something without *leaning* into it; given this state of awareness without action, your words are much appreciated! I'd certainly like to become more erudite... but that just brings me back to existing through a definition/self-concept as opposed to actions, doesn't it? :P
This was an enjoyable read. I have a very dear friend with whom I met in college that reminds me of you. She had the same type of mental bruxism (i love this phrase) as well as constantly wrestling with her place in social interactions. To a degree I did as well, but I tended to be extroverted where she was an introvert. While her and I were never romantically involved, we were and remain very good friends. – side note - (Kierkegaard’s Ethic of Love is one of his more expensive works to access. It is a good one though)
“No matter the place, I feel as if I am vying for someone’s time and attention, as if I have to prove myself to some ultimately superior being.”
One thing I have realized is that other people do not think about us as much as we think they do. Yet, I understand the power of validation. It is healthy to not desire external validation though, a concept that I did not fully understand until I was in my mid to late 20's.
“I don’t have a personality; I’m the equivalent of a dry powder inhaler—vaguely sweet, but ultimately a whole lot of nothing. I can only exist as a shadow, as someone to be outshined.”
I disagree. I think this ties back into the previous comment about external validation. I will not attempt to psychoanalyze you out of respect, but you certainly have a personality. If you did not 90s music would not resonate with you the way that it does. You would also not be so contemplative. Quite the contrary, you seem to have a dynamic personality – perhaps you are just not comfortable exercising all that you are to the outside world?
Maybe writing can help you build that part of your character if so…
Plus, for a guy who is reading Kierkegaard it sounds like he missed some of the main concepts- the art of conversation is dying – so I understand that interacting in person is a difficult thing to do in this present environment and when someone responds to you the way he did it is difficult to see how to continue the conversation.
“The question is, how does one become an agent who instills change, rather than someone who can be changed?”
To act or to be acted upon is the question lol. I think the answer to this is to first accept that change is a perpetual phenomenon (which is easier said than done) and the second is to know what it is that you want that change to be and direct your will in that direction. While we cannot prevent ourselves from being changed nor always affect the circumstances we are in - we can decide how it is that we change.
“I want to be appreciated by intellectuals, as it would mean that I must have some intellectual substance to appreciate. I want to be befriended by others, as it would mean that I am amiable.”
I will be audacious and claim to be an intellectual and say that you have more than adequate intellectual substance to appreciate. With that said, while I appreciate intellect in others, I befriend them for other more important reasons. Being amiable is nice, we all should try to be approachable. But beyond that is the depth of character, integrity, honesty, fidelity... I would choose those traits over intellect any day. It is easier to be well read than it is to be a good friend.
“Beliefs aren’t just propositions in a basket. They have far-reaching tendril-like implications that guide the rest of your experience, like lines to color into..”
This… very well said. It is very important how we frame our lives. This includes, as you clearly stated… how we layer our beliefs over our interpretations of the world. We can become very… myopic. This is why I believe very few things but suspect many. But this is a huge topic here. If I were 20ish again in a collegiate chemistry class I would probably spend all semester talking with you about this. I was always one of the few in my peer group who wanted to talk about anything of substance…
“..oddly enough, to become less self-centred, just to make myself, instead of searching for a definition.”
Dynamite right here. IF, I mean IF, you read my Discourse on marriage you will see how I relate this concept to our roles in marriage as well as in life in general. Most people live performativity, seeking to fit their role into a pre-established paradigm. What ends up happening is they chase the simulacra of what they “think” they should be… instead of defining the role themselves. This seems is the path to authenticity. With that said, IF you read it, you will see that I said I certainly did not define my own role in my early 20’s, instead I sought the external validation – an external definition of myself. While I have now long transcended this problem, it is very clear to me that you are light years ahead of where I was at your respective age.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to read through my work and leaving an elaborate comment (I'll get to the "lab rat / domestication" thread soon); I'm heartened to hear (read? haha) about reminding you of a very good friend of yours!
You're free to use the "mental bruxism" phrase in an upcoming article! I coined it when conversing with Apollo about the news cycle (took me a *very* long time to find the link): https://substack.com/@apolloslyre/note/c-68885651
Thank you for your kind words about my personality (though now I wonder how it comes across in my writing haha ... though at least my work doesn't seem AI-like!) and intellectual substance (and reading your work, it's not audacious). I do agree that depth of character is the most important quality in a friend, though it has only been recently that I've fully understood that sentiment--with dedication, one can gain expertise in a specific field, but equipping a conscience requires a continual emotional investment. The kindness/intelligence dichotomy is one that I've often pondered at length (I did write a bit about this in the tangential "Dead Skin"), and I still don't know if most people look for a person with integrity when seeking to befriend others. Then again, if the metrics for self-actualization become conflated with popularity, the former's not achieved in any authentic manner.
I've briefly read over Discourse 4, but I do need to read it more thoroughly before learning more fully from it / synthesizing the information in the text as part of my knowledge--a terrible habit of mine has been to skim through things when I should in fact be a deeper reader, but works like yours and Apollo's have been instrumental to imploring me to become better at reading.
Sorry about the brief response--there's a lot to think about, and as such I don't have a lot to say...
You're well on your way to becoming a powerhouse of a writer. Many of your insecurities are shared by many people but not everyone can elucidate so well.
Word of advice: Don't become complacent. Use that feeling to drive self improvement and you'll advance further than you thought possible. That person you felt intimidated by in chemistry? That was likely his coup de grace. He was peacocking, hoping to instil the feeling that he successfully made you feel, because he probably feels just as insecure. He was there for a reason, to teach you something about yourself. Whenever you feel like that, lean into it. Steel yourself, learn from it, be a little bit more ready for next time, and you'll soon be a force to be reckoned with.
And if you're lucky, you won't feel like it, because that will help keep you sharp. Ego will make you blunt.
Thank you for leaving such a thoughtful comment!
You might be onto something there with the "coup de grace"; he spent time boasting to his friend about why his beliefs in objective morality; perhaps people are also their *relationship* to their insecurities (I wasn't one to make any comments when he mistook Heidegger for a critical theorist).
Invaluable advice! I've often struggled to follow it, as I fall into intellectually comprehending something without *leaning* into it; given this state of awareness without action, your words are much appreciated! I'd certainly like to become more erudite... but that just brings me back to existing through a definition/self-concept as opposed to actions, doesn't it? :P
This was an enjoyable read. I have a very dear friend with whom I met in college that reminds me of you. She had the same type of mental bruxism (i love this phrase) as well as constantly wrestling with her place in social interactions. To a degree I did as well, but I tended to be extroverted where she was an introvert. While her and I were never romantically involved, we were and remain very good friends. – side note - (Kierkegaard’s Ethic of Love is one of his more expensive works to access. It is a good one though)
“No matter the place, I feel as if I am vying for someone’s time and attention, as if I have to prove myself to some ultimately superior being.”
One thing I have realized is that other people do not think about us as much as we think they do. Yet, I understand the power of validation. It is healthy to not desire external validation though, a concept that I did not fully understand until I was in my mid to late 20's.
“I don’t have a personality; I’m the equivalent of a dry powder inhaler—vaguely sweet, but ultimately a whole lot of nothing. I can only exist as a shadow, as someone to be outshined.”
I disagree. I think this ties back into the previous comment about external validation. I will not attempt to psychoanalyze you out of respect, but you certainly have a personality. If you did not 90s music would not resonate with you the way that it does. You would also not be so contemplative. Quite the contrary, you seem to have a dynamic personality – perhaps you are just not comfortable exercising all that you are to the outside world?
Maybe writing can help you build that part of your character if so…
Plus, for a guy who is reading Kierkegaard it sounds like he missed some of the main concepts- the art of conversation is dying – so I understand that interacting in person is a difficult thing to do in this present environment and when someone responds to you the way he did it is difficult to see how to continue the conversation.
“The question is, how does one become an agent who instills change, rather than someone who can be changed?”
To act or to be acted upon is the question lol. I think the answer to this is to first accept that change is a perpetual phenomenon (which is easier said than done) and the second is to know what it is that you want that change to be and direct your will in that direction. While we cannot prevent ourselves from being changed nor always affect the circumstances we are in - we can decide how it is that we change.
“I want to be appreciated by intellectuals, as it would mean that I must have some intellectual substance to appreciate. I want to be befriended by others, as it would mean that I am amiable.”
I will be audacious and claim to be an intellectual and say that you have more than adequate intellectual substance to appreciate. With that said, while I appreciate intellect in others, I befriend them for other more important reasons. Being amiable is nice, we all should try to be approachable. But beyond that is the depth of character, integrity, honesty, fidelity... I would choose those traits over intellect any day. It is easier to be well read than it is to be a good friend.
“Beliefs aren’t just propositions in a basket. They have far-reaching tendril-like implications that guide the rest of your experience, like lines to color into..”
This… very well said. It is very important how we frame our lives. This includes, as you clearly stated… how we layer our beliefs over our interpretations of the world. We can become very… myopic. This is why I believe very few things but suspect many. But this is a huge topic here. If I were 20ish again in a collegiate chemistry class I would probably spend all semester talking with you about this. I was always one of the few in my peer group who wanted to talk about anything of substance…
“..oddly enough, to become less self-centred, just to make myself, instead of searching for a definition.”
Dynamite right here. IF, I mean IF, you read my Discourse on marriage you will see how I relate this concept to our roles in marriage as well as in life in general. Most people live performativity, seeking to fit their role into a pre-established paradigm. What ends up happening is they chase the simulacra of what they “think” they should be… instead of defining the role themselves. This seems is the path to authenticity. With that said, IF you read it, you will see that I said I certainly did not define my own role in my early 20’s, instead I sought the external validation – an external definition of myself. While I have now long transcended this problem, it is very clear to me that you are light years ahead of where I was at your respective age.
Nice essay.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to read through my work and leaving an elaborate comment (I'll get to the "lab rat / domestication" thread soon); I'm heartened to hear (read? haha) about reminding you of a very good friend of yours!
You're free to use the "mental bruxism" phrase in an upcoming article! I coined it when conversing with Apollo about the news cycle (took me a *very* long time to find the link): https://substack.com/@apolloslyre/note/c-68885651
Thank you for your kind words about my personality (though now I wonder how it comes across in my writing haha ... though at least my work doesn't seem AI-like!) and intellectual substance (and reading your work, it's not audacious). I do agree that depth of character is the most important quality in a friend, though it has only been recently that I've fully understood that sentiment--with dedication, one can gain expertise in a specific field, but equipping a conscience requires a continual emotional investment. The kindness/intelligence dichotomy is one that I've often pondered at length (I did write a bit about this in the tangential "Dead Skin"), and I still don't know if most people look for a person with integrity when seeking to befriend others. Then again, if the metrics for self-actualization become conflated with popularity, the former's not achieved in any authentic manner.
I've briefly read over Discourse 4, but I do need to read it more thoroughly before learning more fully from it / synthesizing the information in the text as part of my knowledge--a terrible habit of mine has been to skim through things when I should in fact be a deeper reader, but works like yours and Apollo's have been instrumental to imploring me to become better at reading.
Sorry about the brief response--there's a lot to think about, and as such I don't have a lot to say...
Love it
Thank you!
I intuit you can skip the classics, The.
Unless, of course, you decide to rewrite them...
I would enjoy that read, too.
I should definitely still cultivate my understanding of antiquity, but thank you for the kind words and for reading my article!!